Why I stopped trying to 'network' and started actually meeting people

I went to twelve events in my first three months in Shanghai. I collected business cards, connected on WeChat, sent follow-up messages. Nothing came of any of it. I blamed the city.

Then a friend pointed out something that changed how I thought about the whole thing: I was treating every conversation like a transaction. What do you do? Can you help me? Here's what I do. Let's keep in touch.

Chinese professional culture — and honestly, most human beings — don't respond well to that. Relationships here are built on genuine interest first, business second. Sometimes years second.

What I changed

I stopped going to events with an agenda. Instead I started going to events where I was genuinely interested in the topic, not just the networking potential. Photography walks. A cooking class. A documentary film screening. The conversations were different because I actually had something to talk about beyond my job title.

I also started being honest about my situation. I'm figuring this out. I don't have it together. I'm looking for people who've been here longer and are willing to share what they know. That honesty opened more doors than any elevator pitch.

The Sofa Lounge effect

What I appreciate about this community specifically is that the format discourages performance. When you're at a mixer talking about how hard it is to get a SIM card on arrival, you can't fake it. You're just a person having a real conversation.

I've made four genuine friends through Sofa Lounge events. Two of them have become collaborators. None of it was planned. All of it started with a conversation that had nothing to do with work.

Stop networking. Start being curious about people. It's slower and it actually works.